***Trigger warning: this post deals with circumstances surrounding a dying loved one***
"What can I do to help? What do you need?" These questions washed over me as tears ran down my face. I answered honestly with "I don't know", and we both sat for a few minutes in silence as I miserably failed at trying to collect myself. Even as I type this, the emotions are raw and overwhelming.
How do you mourn a man that is dying while he is still alive? How do you accept that the life that you felt God had promised you and the love that you knew in your heart God had laid out for you would never be? How do you walk away when everything in you feels as though it is being ripped to pieces? When do you know it is time to stop fighting for someone else's life and walk away because they don't want you to watch them die. When is it time to stop riding the roller coaster of being together one day and being pushed away the next? Sometimes, for your own health, you have to just STOP.
These are just a few of the questions that have swirled around my head over the last few weeks/months. Even after the moment I decided that it all needed to stop, the questions continued. Am I doing the right thing? Am I a terrible person for leaving a dying man to die alone? Is this really what he wants? How do I know I am doing what is right for him, or me, or my son?
I am solid in my decision that it is time to walk away; the swirl of questions don't change what I know I need to do. I have to sever all ties. It is what he wants, and it is what I need. He isn't thinking in his right mind, but I still have to respect his choice. He wants to die alone. He doesn't want a girlfriend, or a friend for that matter. By his own words, I am the last connection to anyone outside of his family. He has lied to his kids over the last few years, they don't know we were more than just friends, they don't know that I was fighting to keep him alive when he was done fighting for himself. I don't know what they think about my exit, but I am certain that they have no idea about the truth. I wanted to protect them, I wanted them to have their father for as long as possible. I didn't want to give up, but it is impossible to force someone to want to live.
My wanting him to live doesn't mean I don't believe that there is more to life after death. I believe in God; I believe in Christ; I believe in heaven. We are Christians, so I don't doubt that he will continue on without pain and will be in a better place after death. His current state of mind believes that I must not believe in these things if I am wanting him to live. Wanting someone to live does not mean that you can't rejoice in the peace of knowing that death is not the end. BUT HE ISN'T DEAD YET! I believe there is a difference between accepting death and giving up on life. He could live, he could continue to fight and try, but he has given up. I can't change that.
The emotional roller-coaster has been hard. There have been times that he wanted me by his side. Times that he has held me in this process and times that I have held him. Then, there have been times that he has pushed me away - HARD. He doesn't want a girlfriend, doesn't want to care about someone else, doesn't want to be responsible for the lives of others. In the past, these ups and down were just taken and I stayed strong )or at least as strong as I could) because I knew it would change. I shrugged off the mood swings and the indecision as being part of the sickness. More recently, we talked about moving in together. Growing a life together amidst the storm. It wasn't meant to be. The flip came suddenly and it was devastating. The discussion of moving in together took a turn when he went back into pushing me away. To him, we were never together, never an "item", and we would never be married so I needed to give up on that.
I pulled the plug. I knew that if we continued our friendship, we would continue the roller-coaster ride: acting like a couple when it was convenient and then him halting everything any time he began to feel guilty. He claims it is all for me. He doesn't want me to watch him die. If he pushes me away now, then I don't have to watch him continue to decline. I understand, but I don't agree. He is, in a way, stealing my ability to properly mourn. I won't be able to go to his funeral, I can't hold his hand in his last days, and I can't be true to myself by standing with him in his darkest days. I know there will be healing through Christ, both for me as well as for him, but the pain is very real and very overwhelming.
Pain is just a piece of the puzzle. I'm angry. Surprisingly, to me, I am not angry with God. I feel that God has given us free will, and it is not God's fault that a man He loves is making such destructive decisions. I am mad that decisions are being made for me, on my behalf, by someone who by most accounts, shouldn't be aloud to make legal decisions, someone who has admitted to not being in his right mind. Sadly, he is not the first to do this and he won't be the last. I have other family members that are pulling away from their support as their health declines. When toxins invade their bodies and their minds, it changes them. Telling people you love that you don't want them around you DOES NOT show them how much you care. It tells them that they never really mattered, a completely different message than the one you are trying to give.
If the decision had truly been mine, I would have stayed. But the swings had become abusive. I know there may be others with stories similar to mine. You cannot stay in a situation that has become abusive. If you love someone that is dying and they are taking it out on you, get help and support. My personal belief is that we should stay and stand by the people that we love. In my story, we were not married. We did not live together, and there were children involved - specifically, I have a special needs child to take into consideration. Splitting my focus between a child who needs me and a man who needs support but doesn't want it was putting an extreme amount of stress on my own health. I couldn't continue the up and downs of "I want you here" followed by "I don't want you". I am emotionally drained and I need to take time to heal.
The journey to healing starts with accepting that I cannot help someone who doesn't want the help. I have to let him make the choices for his own life. He is dying, but he can slow it down if he wants. I can't slow it down for him, the only person that can choose to continue to live is him. I will purpose to NOT shut down. Instead of stuffing the emotions down and pretending this isn't happening, I will allow myself to feel. Mourn the loss of one of life-long best friends. Mourn the loss of a man I truly loved. Mourn for my son's loss of a father figure. Mourn the life I believed to be what God had for me, for us. Mourn relationships built with his family. Mourning a man who is still among the living, though he seems to want to be among the dead. I will give myself permission to feel angry, sad, hurt, devastated, and any other emotion that I can't think to name at this time. I will continue to trust that God will work this for good and that He has my back, even amidst the storm.
This is just a part of my journey. There is hope for a beautiful new future, but for now, I will mourn the living.
Thursday, September 27, 2018
Monday, September 24, 2018
Health & Diet - Keep it moving!
I recently set the goal to walk... and walk and walk and walk. The goal of 2 miles per day really seemed like a far-off accomplishment, but it no longer feels quite as overwhelming. I should clarify, it doesn't feel as overwhelming when split into TWO separate 1 mile walks. 2 miles all at once doesn't even seem too far-fetched... as a FUTURE goal.
Future goal, because I think I nearly died the other night when I walked 1.7 miles with my son. WHAT WAS I THINKING? I told my roommate as we left that I only planned to walk a 1/2 a mile because I was already not feeling real well (I'll go into some of my medical stuff in a minute)... Then we started and I decided we would do our 1 mile route. When we take the 1 mile route, we come up on a playground at the 0.85 mile mark. I know that it is the 0.85 mile point because I made the mistake of asking my DS if we should continue for the rest of our normal route OR if we should go the long way by going back the way we had come. Without hesitation, my DS replied "Let's go the long way so that we can spend more time together!" So we did... and I made it! I was hurting, but I made it.
I have mentioned that I have multiple health conditions related to pain. I have RSD/CRPS predominately in my left hand and arm which has led to compensation injuries to my right arm and both of my shoulders (that will be important later). I arthritis in my back along with compressed disks, degenerative disk disease, and bone spurs. I also have arthritis and nerve pain in my ankles/feet, and a cyst in my left knee. I am likely forgetting something, as if all that wasn't enough, ha! Exercising takes mental preparation and an inner dialogue that this is truly for the best. The more I move, the better I will be able to move. Walking was the logical place to start and my back no longer spasms after spending less than 5 minutes at the sink to wash dishes and my foot/ankle pain has been better each morning... then came the rain.
Anyone with chronic pain knows that rain means an increase in pain and stiffness. Plus, it isn't easy to go for a walk when you are getting 5in of rain and nearby streets are flooding as the lightning flashes. I REALLY wanted to just use the rain as an excuse to NOT get moving. It is SO easy to say "I can't walk today; it's raining." It would be easy until I go to get out of bed or do the dishes. Remember, moving hurts, but it has been lessening my overall pain.
So, we kept it moving! If you haven't seen the ReFitRevolution on YouTube, they are worth looking into. I made a playlist of 5 songs - let's be real, that is about as much as I can handle. All 5 songs are worship/praise and both the first and last songs are slower and perfect for a warm-up and a cool-down. I can mostly keep up with 2 of the songs, the 3rd is challenging for me so I just sort of fake it since I don't get all of the moves JUST right, ha! I did not let the rain slow me down.
The rain cleared, even if only temporarily, and it was time to brave the neighborhood for a walk. I sat down with a program that allows you to map out a walk and it tells you the distance. I decided to challenge myself to a 2 mile walk. Yep, the 1.7 mile walk made me feel like I was dying, but I have been determined to conquer some of my pain and other health issues by getting active. I let me DS know what the plan was, because he is great at holding me accountable, and off we went. Guess what?!?!? I did it. I walked 2 miles, and it felt AMAZING!
Future goal, because I think I nearly died the other night when I walked 1.7 miles with my son. WHAT WAS I THINKING? I told my roommate as we left that I only planned to walk a 1/2 a mile because I was already not feeling real well (I'll go into some of my medical stuff in a minute)... Then we started and I decided we would do our 1 mile route. When we take the 1 mile route, we come up on a playground at the 0.85 mile mark. I know that it is the 0.85 mile point because I made the mistake of asking my DS if we should continue for the rest of our normal route OR if we should go the long way by going back the way we had come. Without hesitation, my DS replied "Let's go the long way so that we can spend more time together!" So we did... and I made it! I was hurting, but I made it.
I have mentioned that I have multiple health conditions related to pain. I have RSD/CRPS predominately in my left hand and arm which has led to compensation injuries to my right arm and both of my shoulders (that will be important later). I arthritis in my back along with compressed disks, degenerative disk disease, and bone spurs. I also have arthritis and nerve pain in my ankles/feet, and a cyst in my left knee. I am likely forgetting something, as if all that wasn't enough, ha! Exercising takes mental preparation and an inner dialogue that this is truly for the best. The more I move, the better I will be able to move. Walking was the logical place to start and my back no longer spasms after spending less than 5 minutes at the sink to wash dishes and my foot/ankle pain has been better each morning... then came the rain.
Anyone with chronic pain knows that rain means an increase in pain and stiffness. Plus, it isn't easy to go for a walk when you are getting 5in of rain and nearby streets are flooding as the lightning flashes. I REALLY wanted to just use the rain as an excuse to NOT get moving. It is SO easy to say "I can't walk today; it's raining." It would be easy until I go to get out of bed or do the dishes. Remember, moving hurts, but it has been lessening my overall pain.
So, we kept it moving! If you haven't seen the ReFitRevolution on YouTube, they are worth looking into. I made a playlist of 5 songs - let's be real, that is about as much as I can handle. All 5 songs are worship/praise and both the first and last songs are slower and perfect for a warm-up and a cool-down. I can mostly keep up with 2 of the songs, the 3rd is challenging for me so I just sort of fake it since I don't get all of the moves JUST right, ha! I did not let the rain slow me down.
The rain cleared, even if only temporarily, and it was time to brave the neighborhood for a walk. I sat down with a program that allows you to map out a walk and it tells you the distance. I decided to challenge myself to a 2 mile walk. Yep, the 1.7 mile walk made me feel like I was dying, but I have been determined to conquer some of my pain and other health issues by getting active. I let me DS know what the plan was, because he is great at holding me accountable, and off we went. Guess what?!?!? I did it. I walked 2 miles, and it felt AMAZING!
Monday, September 17, 2018
Health & Diet - Goal Update
I am currently working on a couple of other new blog posts, but I thought I would stop to give a quick update on my goals.
At the start of this journey, my 14 day average for my blood sugar was over 200, at the last update, it was at 187. I am excited to say that less than a week later, the average is down to 164!!! I am only 2 weeks into this process and I am already more than 1/2 way to my first goal of getting my blood sugar averages below 150!
Weight loss has not come as easily as managing my blood sugars. I mentioned before that I have PCOS, and it has always impacted my metabolism. Losing weight has never been easy, but DANG, I feel like losing weight after passing 35 is even harder!!! I have lost weight, don't get me wrong. There is just something about 3 pounds in 2 weeks that feels like my 30 pound goal may not be obtainable... Time to add in the exercise.
Yes, I am complaining about not losing weight and I'm not exercising yet. They say that something like 80% is diet... Well, my blood sugars are proof that I am doing better there... So, WHY oh WHY won't the weight just melt off??? I am complaining and grumbling, I know. Tell me you have never felt the same way or thought the same things?
One of my goals has been to walk. I've slacked on this as I was on my cycle and, let's just be honest ladies, I didn't FEEL like getting out of bed, much less going for a walk - one of my upcoming blogs is on the pain pf periods. Plus, there has been a LOT more rain around here, which just furthered my reasoning for not going on a walk.
The walks start TODAY! We, because my DS goes everywhere with me, are going to go for a 1 mile walk now and a 1/2 mile walk before bed... Ready, set, GO!
At the start of this journey, my 14 day average for my blood sugar was over 200, at the last update, it was at 187. I am excited to say that less than a week later, the average is down to 164!!! I am only 2 weeks into this process and I am already more than 1/2 way to my first goal of getting my blood sugar averages below 150!
Weight loss has not come as easily as managing my blood sugars. I mentioned before that I have PCOS, and it has always impacted my metabolism. Losing weight has never been easy, but DANG, I feel like losing weight after passing 35 is even harder!!! I have lost weight, don't get me wrong. There is just something about 3 pounds in 2 weeks that feels like my 30 pound goal may not be obtainable... Time to add in the exercise.
Yes, I am complaining about not losing weight and I'm not exercising yet. They say that something like 80% is diet... Well, my blood sugars are proof that I am doing better there... So, WHY oh WHY won't the weight just melt off??? I am complaining and grumbling, I know. Tell me you have never felt the same way or thought the same things?
One of my goals has been to walk. I've slacked on this as I was on my cycle and, let's just be honest ladies, I didn't FEEL like getting out of bed, much less going for a walk - one of my upcoming blogs is on the pain pf periods. Plus, there has been a LOT more rain around here, which just furthered my reasoning for not going on a walk.
The walks start TODAY! We, because my DS goes everywhere with me, are going to go for a 1 mile walk now and a 1/2 mile walk before bed... Ready, set, GO!
Thursday, September 13, 2018
Homeschooling Adventures - Dysgraphia SUCKS!
How do you help a child with big ideas to express themselves when writing is a mystery? He can read, he has a knack for learning new things, and a memory that often leaves me feeling dumb; unfortunately, writing has become this HUGE hurdle that we are still struggling to overcome.
Last year, my DS was in 3rd grade, and we stopped even attempting to write formally. I could give him sentences to edit - no problem! He could correct the punctuation and the capitalization lickety split. Ask him to write his own sentence and WWIII would break out. He would ask in frustration, "Why do I need to write it? You know you won't be able to read it!" He wasn't wrong.
He had been wanting to learn cursive, so we started learning to write letters all over again. The problem, he seems to need to relearn the motions over and over. We have now been working on cursive for over a year and each time I give him a worksheet, it's like he has forgotten how to make the letters. He can trace them, but he doesn't follow the arrows and lines don't connect; however, he is trying to write, so I consider it a success.
It isn't just his letters. He frequently writes his numbers backwards as well. If you read an equation out to him and ask him to write it out, the numbers end up all jumbled on top of each other. I will admit that it took me far too long to realize that I could turn a piece of lined paper sideways and it helped him to space out his number placement. I know I need to encourage him to practice, both letters and numbers, but sometimes it is easier to just pretend the problem doesn't exist.
Okay, so playing pretend doesn't really work for the long term, it just sounds good. The reality is that I am always looking for new ways to help him, because that is what moms do. We search high and low for ways to encourage our kids to have every opportunity to have what they need. Well, I found the best incentive EVER for my Star Wars loving 9 year old: a Star Wars reading and writing workbook. He has been super excited about getting started with school this year JUST so that he can write in this book! Those of you who have read with me this far, you get the joy of hearing about his first written response. The book tasked him with writing a sentence using the word "who". Here is what I saw: whoisthat Gay. I should first explain that we have not really talked a lot about what "gay" means, so I was SURE that this was not what he intended. I called me DS over and asked him to read me his sentence, so he did: Who is that guy? I snickered just a bit before explaining that guy has a "u" and not an "a". We are still working on spelling too.
I have big hopes for this little workbook, and my DS is getting ready to start back up on his typing lessons as another alternative to writing. Still, my general consensus still remains: Dysgraphia SUCKS!
Last year, my DS was in 3rd grade, and we stopped even attempting to write formally. I could give him sentences to edit - no problem! He could correct the punctuation and the capitalization lickety split. Ask him to write his own sentence and WWIII would break out. He would ask in frustration, "Why do I need to write it? You know you won't be able to read it!" He wasn't wrong.
He had been wanting to learn cursive, so we started learning to write letters all over again. The problem, he seems to need to relearn the motions over and over. We have now been working on cursive for over a year and each time I give him a worksheet, it's like he has forgotten how to make the letters. He can trace them, but he doesn't follow the arrows and lines don't connect; however, he is trying to write, so I consider it a success.
It isn't just his letters. He frequently writes his numbers backwards as well. If you read an equation out to him and ask him to write it out, the numbers end up all jumbled on top of each other. I will admit that it took me far too long to realize that I could turn a piece of lined paper sideways and it helped him to space out his number placement. I know I need to encourage him to practice, both letters and numbers, but sometimes it is easier to just pretend the problem doesn't exist.
Okay, so playing pretend doesn't really work for the long term, it just sounds good. The reality is that I am always looking for new ways to help him, because that is what moms do. We search high and low for ways to encourage our kids to have every opportunity to have what they need. Well, I found the best incentive EVER for my Star Wars loving 9 year old: a Star Wars reading and writing workbook. He has been super excited about getting started with school this year JUST so that he can write in this book! Those of you who have read with me this far, you get the joy of hearing about his first written response. The book tasked him with writing a sentence using the word "who". Here is what I saw: whoisthat Gay. I should first explain that we have not really talked a lot about what "gay" means, so I was SURE that this was not what he intended. I called me DS over and asked him to read me his sentence, so he did: Who is that guy? I snickered just a bit before explaining that guy has a "u" and not an "a". We are still working on spelling too.
I have big hopes for this little workbook, and my DS is getting ready to start back up on his typing lessons as another alternative to writing. Still, my general consensus still remains: Dysgraphia SUCKS!
Wednesday, September 12, 2018
Health & Diet - I want all the pasta!
When I decided I was going to get my health - specifically my diabetes - under control, I knew that I was going to have to get creative. Why? Because I LOVE pasta. In case you didn't know, pasta is terrible for diabetes.
Everyone has to find the tips and tricks that wok for them, so I was on a mission to try different things. First I tried GF, it didn't cause as much of a spike in my blood sugar, but it wasn't great either. Then, I found edamame spaghetti. It doesn't get mushy like GF pasta, but the texture is still a little off. I still tend to lean more towards the edamame pasta when I want spaghetti with a tomato based sauce. It has a higher protein to carb ratio and tastes really good with sausage and cheese. It isn't cheap, but it isn't as expensive as my next pasta find.
ThinSlim has what they call a "Low Carb" pasta. The pasta is not actually low carb since it has 44 carbs per serving; however, they call it low carb because it has an extremely high fiber count. The idea behind this pasta is that the high fiber counters the carbohydrates, reducing the risk of blood sugar spikes. The taste and texture were good for the elbow macaroni. I used it to make macaroni and cheese (since tomato sauce can cause spikes as well) and I added chicken to increase the protein. The results were quite pleasing. I enjoyed the macaroni without the penalty of a blood sugar spike! Overall, the cost would prevent me from purchasing it frequently, but I would highly recommend having it on-hand for a splurge day - you know, those I'VE JUST GOT TO HAVE CARBS kind of days.
My "cheat" MacNChz Recipe
1/2 cup (1 serving) uncooked ThinSlim elbow pasta cooked
3-4 heaping TBS of Taco Cabana queso
1oz shredded Velveeta
2 TBS pico
3-4 heaping TBS of shredded chicken (recipe coming soon)
Yes, I know how to make a cheese sauce from scratch, but this was my "cheat" method because I had leftover queso (which I absolutely LOVE), leftover shredded chicken, and I wanted to make something easy while using up the leftovers in the fridge. I do plan to work towards losing weight, but right now I am more focused on finding foods that are close to my go-to comfort foods without the blood-sugar spike. As a single mom of a special needs kiddo, I have to find a way to do this without spending my life in the kitchen. :) Enjoy!
P.S. Please share your blood sugar and waist friendly, tasty, and low-carb pasta alternatives in the comments!
Everyone has to find the tips and tricks that wok for them, so I was on a mission to try different things. First I tried GF, it didn't cause as much of a spike in my blood sugar, but it wasn't great either. Then, I found edamame spaghetti. It doesn't get mushy like GF pasta, but the texture is still a little off. I still tend to lean more towards the edamame pasta when I want spaghetti with a tomato based sauce. It has a higher protein to carb ratio and tastes really good with sausage and cheese. It isn't cheap, but it isn't as expensive as my next pasta find.
ThinSlim has what they call a "Low Carb" pasta. The pasta is not actually low carb since it has 44 carbs per serving; however, they call it low carb because it has an extremely high fiber count. The idea behind this pasta is that the high fiber counters the carbohydrates, reducing the risk of blood sugar spikes. The taste and texture were good for the elbow macaroni. I used it to make macaroni and cheese (since tomato sauce can cause spikes as well) and I added chicken to increase the protein. The results were quite pleasing. I enjoyed the macaroni without the penalty of a blood sugar spike! Overall, the cost would prevent me from purchasing it frequently, but I would highly recommend having it on-hand for a splurge day - you know, those I'VE JUST GOT TO HAVE CARBS kind of days.
My "cheat" MacNChz Recipe
1/2 cup (1 serving) uncooked ThinSlim elbow pasta cooked
3-4 heaping TBS of Taco Cabana queso
1oz shredded Velveeta
2 TBS pico
3-4 heaping TBS of shredded chicken (recipe coming soon)
Yes, I know how to make a cheese sauce from scratch, but this was my "cheat" method because I had leftover queso (which I absolutely LOVE), leftover shredded chicken, and I wanted to make something easy while using up the leftovers in the fridge. I do plan to work towards losing weight, but right now I am more focused on finding foods that are close to my go-to comfort foods without the blood-sugar spike. As a single mom of a special needs kiddo, I have to find a way to do this without spending my life in the kitchen. :) Enjoy!
P.S. Please share your blood sugar and waist friendly, tasty, and low-carb pasta alternatives in the comments!
Amber's Journey - Judge Not, Lest Ye Be Judged
In an age where internet anonymity makes judging others without immediate consequence so simple, I feel the need to caution my fellow Christians. The standards by which we judge others will become the standards by which we are judged, and we need to make sure we are judging correctly.
What do I mean by judging correctly? I mean that there is a distinct difference between using scripture to determine the correctness or the fault in actions and passing judgement on someone solely based on what you have determined to be YOUR truth. There is also a difference between approaching someone directly with concerns and putting your judgement out in the open while inciting and encouraging others to pass judgement as well. I am by no means perfect, and I have made my own mistakes in this. God is definitely bringing to mind some of my own posting errors to mind even as I type.
I recently read another blog, which I LOVED, and the author so accurately states that "God's judgment is perfectly just, my judgment is terribly skewed."
Judging another parent for having a different parenting style or method just because you don't agree with them - such as breastfeeding versus formula - is faulty judgement. How many of us see a child screaming in a store and think "that child needs to be disciplined"? How many of us offer the frazzled mom help, love, or encouragement? We judge others based on our own life experiences and the way we believe others should act; God judges people through an understanding of their heart, their life's experiences, and through love. Remember, David was a man after God's own heart - and he was FAR from perfect.
I am not saying that we can't make judgments to aide us in using discretion or in making decisions. I am cautioning against passing judgement on others only to elevate ourselves as being better. God is the only one who truly knows the hearts of others and He uses His own standards - not yours - to make those judgments. Remember that screaming child? You may have passed judgment on both the child and the parent, but God sees what you don't. He sees a child whose sensitivities to stimulation are higher than that of others: lights, colors, crowds, sounds, touch, etc. A child who has been overstimulated during the entire hour that his mom has spent shopping and can no longer cope with his environment; he is melting down because he is so overwhelmed that it is the only response he has left to give. And the mom, God sees her too. You might see a mom who has checked out and isn't disciplining her child. God sees a mom who knows if she leaves before she makes the purchase, she will only have to go through the entire process again tomorrow - with yet another meltdown. He sees a mom who wants to comfort and soothe her son, but knows that nothing will make it better until they are able to return home. Even now, many of you are passing judgement as you think to yourselves: "she should have left him at home" or "she now has the ability to have the groceries picked up or delivered". The problem, she is a single mom receiving food stamps. Because of her son's health, no one is willing to watch him on a regular basis, and stores don't accept food stamps for pickup or delivery where she lives. My point, God sees what you don't. Even when you think you have all the information, you don't, you can't - you aren't God.
Now, this is not to say that there won't be times when you feel led to bring correction or give guidance to someone. If a person you know, who claims to be a Christian, has done or said something that is in direct opposition to scripture, you can go to them directly with your concerns. Scripture lays out the proper way to bring correction to a fellow believer, just remember that such critiques should be done out of LOVE and NOT out of CONDEMNATION.
Remember, it is more important to be God's LOVE in the lives of others than it is to judge them for mot meeting our personal standards or expectations.
Monday, September 10, 2018
More than Autism - When abuse is real
*Trigger warning: the following blog delves deeply into the topic of family violence.*
There is a well kept secret that people don't like to talk about: family violence. Even more than that, there is a side of family violence that some may not know exists: parent abuse. The Child and Youth Health website states that "Violence towards parents or other family members by young people is more common than many people think". Unfortunately, this is a struggle frequently found in the homes of families with Autistic Bipolar children.
It is a struggle found in my home. When my DS was younger, the outbursts were easier to control. He was small enough that I could restrain him to ensure he didn't hurt himself or others. Restrain - I hate that word. I will never forget the first time I took him for an intake evaluation for play therapy and he had an outburst. I don't even remember what caused it, often the immediate trigger can be simple and innocent in and of itself. I found myself sitting in the middle of their reception area, my son directly in front of me, my legs crossed over his, my hands holding his wrists as I crossed his arms in front of himself into a hug. One of the counselors came out and told me I was doing a great job. I burst into tears.
Fast forward to the present. Last week I had to make a call that no parent wants to make. I had to protect myself and I had to take a stand. The aggression over the last few months had been growing. We moved in with a friend, I had walked away from a toxic relationship, and my DS does not do well with change. He had been in outpatient therapy less than a month before and was discharged. Still, it happened. With tears streaming down my face, I had to have a friend call the police on my 9 year old. I didn't know if they would take him away, I didn't know if if meant that he would be put into an inpatient program, I didn't know what was going to happen. I just knew that something had to be done. He wasn't de-escalating. Instead, he had grabbed me by my hair and punched me in the head multiple times. I had blood on my arm from him gouging me with his nails. While on the phone with the 9-1-1 operator, she asked if I could get somewhere safe all while my son was jumping on my back from behind as his arms clenched around my throat. He fell, and instead of stepping outside to meet the officers, I did what any mom would do, I knelt down to make sure he was okay.
The police came and my DS calmed down just at the sight of them. He talked with them and they talked to him about how violence is not an acceptable response. When he told them he was upset that I didn't let him have a new toy, they reinforced that the decision on that was mine to make. They talked to me about where the closest inpatient program could be found and asked multiple times if I was okay. The experience was horrible and beautiful all at the same time. I never wanted to have to call the police on my son, but it was beautiful in the support and encouragement that they gave us both in the process.
I know that not all police responses to family violence end the way ours did. I know that some might blame the parents - as I am sure some of you might be doing even now. I get it. It's these misconceptions that I believe contribute to parents suffering in silence. When a child has mental health issues, they can be physically aggressive and violent even when the parents are the sweetest and most supportive parents. That, and we often want to protect our children from stigmas. The stigma that because they have mental health issues they are somehow innately bad. I have members of my own family who struggle with this concept, but you cannot discipline mental illness out of a child. Parents don't want you to see the mental health issue, we want you to see the big-hearted child that we know and love.
Part of loving our children means loving ourselves. If you have a child that has aggressive tendencies, make sure you have a plan. Know where that line is and make sure your local police station knows that you have a special needs child BEFORE a time comes that you need their support. For those who have friends and family with any type of special needs child, ask how you can help. We may say "I don't know" and it can be a completely honest response - we tend to be overwhelmed with no clue what we really need help with. More than anything, we need you to know that we treasure your friendship. If we have to cancel plans, it truly isn't personal. I will delve deeper into the "how to help" conversation later, but for now, know that the biggest impact is when you show up for us even when we can't show up for you.
*Due to the nature of this post, I ask that everyone remain respectful and kind when leaving comments. I will monitor, but I would prefer to NOT have to remove or block comments. Be encouraging!
There is a well kept secret that people don't like to talk about: family violence. Even more than that, there is a side of family violence that some may not know exists: parent abuse. The Child and Youth Health website states that "Violence towards parents or other family members by young people is more common than many people think". Unfortunately, this is a struggle frequently found in the homes of families with Autistic Bipolar children.
It is a struggle found in my home. When my DS was younger, the outbursts were easier to control. He was small enough that I could restrain him to ensure he didn't hurt himself or others. Restrain - I hate that word. I will never forget the first time I took him for an intake evaluation for play therapy and he had an outburst. I don't even remember what caused it, often the immediate trigger can be simple and innocent in and of itself. I found myself sitting in the middle of their reception area, my son directly in front of me, my legs crossed over his, my hands holding his wrists as I crossed his arms in front of himself into a hug. One of the counselors came out and told me I was doing a great job. I burst into tears.
Fast forward to the present. Last week I had to make a call that no parent wants to make. I had to protect myself and I had to take a stand. The aggression over the last few months had been growing. We moved in with a friend, I had walked away from a toxic relationship, and my DS does not do well with change. He had been in outpatient therapy less than a month before and was discharged. Still, it happened. With tears streaming down my face, I had to have a friend call the police on my 9 year old. I didn't know if they would take him away, I didn't know if if meant that he would be put into an inpatient program, I didn't know what was going to happen. I just knew that something had to be done. He wasn't de-escalating. Instead, he had grabbed me by my hair and punched me in the head multiple times. I had blood on my arm from him gouging me with his nails. While on the phone with the 9-1-1 operator, she asked if I could get somewhere safe all while my son was jumping on my back from behind as his arms clenched around my throat. He fell, and instead of stepping outside to meet the officers, I did what any mom would do, I knelt down to make sure he was okay.
The police came and my DS calmed down just at the sight of them. He talked with them and they talked to him about how violence is not an acceptable response. When he told them he was upset that I didn't let him have a new toy, they reinforced that the decision on that was mine to make. They talked to me about where the closest inpatient program could be found and asked multiple times if I was okay. The experience was horrible and beautiful all at the same time. I never wanted to have to call the police on my son, but it was beautiful in the support and encouragement that they gave us both in the process.
I know that not all police responses to family violence end the way ours did. I know that some might blame the parents - as I am sure some of you might be doing even now. I get it. It's these misconceptions that I believe contribute to parents suffering in silence. When a child has mental health issues, they can be physically aggressive and violent even when the parents are the sweetest and most supportive parents. That, and we often want to protect our children from stigmas. The stigma that because they have mental health issues they are somehow innately bad. I have members of my own family who struggle with this concept, but you cannot discipline mental illness out of a child. Parents don't want you to see the mental health issue, we want you to see the big-hearted child that we know and love.
Part of loving our children means loving ourselves. If you have a child that has aggressive tendencies, make sure you have a plan. Know where that line is and make sure your local police station knows that you have a special needs child BEFORE a time comes that you need their support. For those who have friends and family with any type of special needs child, ask how you can help. We may say "I don't know" and it can be a completely honest response - we tend to be overwhelmed with no clue what we really need help with. More than anything, we need you to know that we treasure your friendship. If we have to cancel plans, it truly isn't personal. I will delve deeper into the "how to help" conversation later, but for now, know that the biggest impact is when you show up for us even when we can't show up for you.
*Due to the nature of this post, I ask that everyone remain respectful and kind when leaving comments. I will monitor, but I would prefer to NOT have to remove or block comments. Be encouraging!
Health & Diet - Setting Goals
I want to be honest and transparent in each of my posts, but this blog is challenging my level of transparency. I'm not a small woman. In fact, I'm fairly large and have been since my mid to late teens. Losing weight has always been a struggle for me, even when I was active. I don't expect that I will ever be small; I don't have unrealistic expectations. Still, admitting to how much I weigh makes me want to cringe... I think, for now, I will just share what my short term and long term weight loss goals are. My long term goal would likely still have me heavier than most doctors would prefer, but it is a weight that feels reasonable and attainable.
Short term (next 2 months): 30 pounds
Long term (within the next year): 80 pounds
Before anyone starts freaking out about 30 pounds being too much to lose in 2 months, remember that once you find your "sweet spot" combination of diet and exercise, the weight typically comes off faster at the beginning... Though I have found losing weight after 30 to be much more difficult and losing weight after 35 to be nearly impossible - I have faith that God will see me through this as I am predominately making these changes for my health and not for vanity.
Speaking of health, in order for you to know how much of a struggle this journey may be, I must first explain the known health conditions I am battling... I say known because there are areas of my health that I have chosen not to investigate. My best friend says that I am like an ostrich with my head in the sand; I don't agree, but we will wait to delve into that later. This list is long; I am not sharing it for pity but for you to understand what I am up against: diabetes, high blood pressure, PCOS/metabolic issues, RSD/CRPS, arthritis, spinal arthritis, bulging disks in my lower back, compressed/damaged disks in my neck, tendon tears in both elbows and shoulders (compensation injuries from the RSD/CRPS), and a cyst in my left knee. I'm sure there are things that I have unintentionally left off, but this is enough to give you a picture. Currently, the diabetes is my biggest concern.
The first time I witnessed the ability for diabetes to take a life, I was only 19 or 20 years old. I had an elderly co-worker who made no attempt to manage her sugars and it led to her sudden and unexpected death. Now, I am sitting on the sidelines watching as 2 men, whom I love dearly, fight for their lives through dialysis. Both men have end stage renal failure, both men came close to dying before starting dialysis, both men have questioned their will/desire to continue living. I have been through a lot in my life, but this has been one of the hardest things I have ever experienced. I refuse to sit back and let this become my fate as well. I do not want my son to watch the light in my eyes fade when I could have done more to prevent it. So, I am doing more.
When starting this journey, my sugars were averaging around 200 for fasting and 250 post meal. A non-diabetic typically has sugars below 100 for fasting and around 120 for post meal. Diabetes is considered controlled when the fasting sugars are under 120 and the post meal are below 140. My starting goal is to get my sugars down to an average of 150 and then will be working from there to get them into the normal "non-diabetic" range. There has been progress as my average for the last 14 days is down to 187.
Short Term Goal (next 2 months) - Avg below 150
Long term goal (next 6 months) - Avg below 120
Dietary changes have been huge in my progress so far, but exercise will also be necessary. I am starting slow. My current goal is to walk 1/2 a mile to a mile each night with my son. He loves going on walks with me and we have the 1/2 mile and the full mile routes mapped out and we have already complete them before. I have been bad about blowing off the walks when I'm hurting and not feeling well. Instead, I want to push to complete at least the 1/2 mile on bad days and the full mile on good days. Eventually, I would like us to walk 2 miles together.
Short term: Walk 1/2 mile to mile 4-5 times a week
Mid term goal: Walk 1-2 miles split into two walks 4-5 times a week
Long term goal: Walk 2+ miles at one time 4-5 times a week
What are your weight loss and health goals? What is the driving force in changing your habits? Share your goals and progress in the comments.
Sunday, September 9, 2018
Amber's Journey - Meet Me, Amber
So, I had big plans for this blog a few years ago... Those plans fell flat, but I am back and ready to try again.
I am a mom first and foremost. Over the last few years, my DS received a diagnosis of Autism followed by an additional diagnosis of Dysregulated Mood Disorder (a precursor diagnosis to Bipolar). The challenges that come with these diagnoses are just that - challenges. I will share some of these with you. Even when I layout the raw emotional journey, know that I would not trade my life for anything. God has a plan for my DS's life, and I would do anything to help nurture him and guide him to become the man God intends for him to become.
The diagnoses led to changes in our lives, including the switch to full-time homeschooling. My DS was struggling socially and emotionally in public school, refusing to attend class while still making A's and B's on his assignments. Lots of prayer went into the decision to homeschool. My parents were in agreement and my ex-husband was in agreement, so I turned in my resignation and left my teaching position as a high school English teacher.
Teaching is my passion. More specifically, teaching upper-level English is my passion. Walking away from teaching public school put a hole in my heart. I loved creating relationships with my students and watching them grow. My DS's struggles were not the only reason I left, my own health issues contributed as well. I truly felt that resigning from my job was what God was leading me to do, but I had to walk in complete faith in the hopes that God would make a way. One of the most amazing new adventures God has set before me has been the opportunity to teach high school English again, this time to homeschool students. I am beyond excited!
Parenting, teaching, health, diet, faith, and anything going on in our lives may become the topic of discussion for blogs. I hope anyone reading will join us for this crazy journey that God has set forth. There may be tears of joy and tears of pain, but there will be camaraderie, there will certainly be raw emotion, and there will be growth.
I am a mom first and foremost. Over the last few years, my DS received a diagnosis of Autism followed by an additional diagnosis of Dysregulated Mood Disorder (a precursor diagnosis to Bipolar). The challenges that come with these diagnoses are just that - challenges. I will share some of these with you. Even when I layout the raw emotional journey, know that I would not trade my life for anything. God has a plan for my DS's life, and I would do anything to help nurture him and guide him to become the man God intends for him to become.
The diagnoses led to changes in our lives, including the switch to full-time homeschooling. My DS was struggling socially and emotionally in public school, refusing to attend class while still making A's and B's on his assignments. Lots of prayer went into the decision to homeschool. My parents were in agreement and my ex-husband was in agreement, so I turned in my resignation and left my teaching position as a high school English teacher.
Teaching is my passion. More specifically, teaching upper-level English is my passion. Walking away from teaching public school put a hole in my heart. I loved creating relationships with my students and watching them grow. My DS's struggles were not the only reason I left, my own health issues contributed as well. I truly felt that resigning from my job was what God was leading me to do, but I had to walk in complete faith in the hopes that God would make a way. One of the most amazing new adventures God has set before me has been the opportunity to teach high school English again, this time to homeschool students. I am beyond excited!
Parenting, teaching, health, diet, faith, and anything going on in our lives may become the topic of discussion for blogs. I hope anyone reading will join us for this crazy journey that God has set forth. There may be tears of joy and tears of pain, but there will be camaraderie, there will certainly be raw emotion, and there will be growth.
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