***Trigger warning: this post deals with circumstances surrounding a dying loved one***
"What can I do to help? What do you need?" These questions washed over me as tears ran down my face. I answered honestly with "I don't know", and we both sat for a few minutes in silence as I miserably failed at trying to collect myself. Even as I type this, the emotions are raw and overwhelming.
How do you mourn a man that is dying while he is still alive? How do you accept that the life that you felt God had promised you and the love that you knew in your heart God had laid out for you would never be? How do you walk away when everything in you feels as though it is being ripped to pieces? When do you know it is time to stop fighting for someone else's life and walk away because they don't want you to watch them die. When is it time to stop riding the roller coaster of being together one day and being pushed away the next? Sometimes, for your own health, you have to just STOP.
These are just a few of the questions that have swirled around my head over the last few weeks/months. Even after the moment I decided that it all needed to stop, the questions continued. Am I doing the right thing? Am I a terrible person for leaving a dying man to die alone? Is this really what he wants? How do I know I am doing what is right for him, or me, or my son?
I am solid in my decision that it is time to walk away; the swirl of questions don't change what I know I need to do. I have to sever all ties. It is what he wants, and it is what I need. He isn't thinking in his right mind, but I still have to respect his choice. He wants to die alone. He doesn't want a girlfriend, or a friend for that matter. By his own words, I am the last connection to anyone outside of his family. He has lied to his kids over the last few years, they don't know we were more than just friends, they don't know that I was fighting to keep him alive when he was done fighting for himself. I don't know what they think about my exit, but I am certain that they have no idea about the truth. I wanted to protect them, I wanted them to have their father for as long as possible. I didn't want to give up, but it is impossible to force someone to want to live.
My wanting him to live doesn't mean I don't believe that there is more to life after death. I believe in God; I believe in Christ; I believe in heaven. We are Christians, so I don't doubt that he will continue on without pain and will be in a better place after death. His current state of mind believes that I must not believe in these things if I am wanting him to live. Wanting someone to live does not mean that you can't rejoice in the peace of knowing that death is not the end. BUT HE ISN'T DEAD YET! I believe there is a difference between accepting death and giving up on life. He could live, he could continue to fight and try, but he has given up. I can't change that.
The emotional roller-coaster has been hard. There have been times that he wanted me by his side. Times that he has held me in this process and times that I have held him. Then, there have been times that he has pushed me away - HARD. He doesn't want a girlfriend, doesn't want to care about someone else, doesn't want to be responsible for the lives of others. In the past, these ups and down were just taken and I stayed strong )or at least as strong as I could) because I knew it would change. I shrugged off the mood swings and the indecision as being part of the sickness. More recently, we talked about moving in together. Growing a life together amidst the storm. It wasn't meant to be. The flip came suddenly and it was devastating. The discussion of moving in together took a turn when he went back into pushing me away. To him, we were never together, never an "item", and we would never be married so I needed to give up on that.
I pulled the plug. I knew that if we continued our friendship, we would continue the roller-coaster ride: acting like a couple when it was convenient and then him halting everything any time he began to feel guilty. He claims it is all for me. He doesn't want me to watch him die. If he pushes me away now, then I don't have to watch him continue to decline. I understand, but I don't agree. He is, in a way, stealing my ability to properly mourn. I won't be able to go to his funeral, I can't hold his hand in his last days, and I can't be true to myself by standing with him in his darkest days. I know there will be healing through Christ, both for me as well as for him, but the pain is very real and very overwhelming.
Pain is just a piece of the puzzle. I'm angry. Surprisingly, to me, I am not angry with God. I feel that God has given us free will, and it is not God's fault that a man He loves is making such destructive decisions. I am mad that decisions are being made for me, on my behalf, by someone who by most accounts, shouldn't be aloud to make legal decisions, someone who has admitted to not being in his right mind. Sadly, he is not the first to do this and he won't be the last. I have other family members that are pulling away from their support as their health declines. When toxins invade their bodies and their minds, it changes them. Telling people you love that you don't want them around you DOES NOT show them how much you care. It tells them that they never really mattered, a completely different message than the one you are trying to give.
If the decision had truly been mine, I would have stayed. But the swings had become abusive. I know there may be others with stories similar to mine. You cannot stay in a situation that has become abusive. If you love someone that is dying and they are taking it out on you, get help and support. My personal belief is that we should stay and stand by the people that we love. In my story, we were not married. We did not live together, and there were children involved - specifically, I have a special needs child to take into consideration. Splitting my focus between a child who needs me and a man who needs support but doesn't want it was putting an extreme amount of stress on my own health. I couldn't continue the up and downs of "I want you here" followed by "I don't want you". I am emotionally drained and I need to take time to heal.
The journey to healing starts with accepting that I cannot help someone who doesn't want the help. I have to let him make the choices for his own life. He is dying, but he can slow it down if he wants. I can't slow it down for him, the only person that can choose to continue to live is him. I will purpose to NOT shut down. Instead of stuffing the emotions down and pretending this isn't happening, I will allow myself to feel. Mourn the loss of one of life-long best friends. Mourn the loss of a man I truly loved. Mourn for my son's loss of a father figure. Mourn the life I believed to be what God had for me, for us. Mourn relationships built with his family. Mourning a man who is still among the living, though he seems to want to be among the dead. I will give myself permission to feel angry, sad, hurt, devastated, and any other emotion that I can't think to name at this time. I will continue to trust that God will work this for good and that He has my back, even amidst the storm.
This is just a part of my journey. There is hope for a beautiful new future, but for now, I will mourn the living.
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