*Trigger warning: the following blog delves deeply into the topic of family violence.*
There is a well kept secret that people don't like to talk about: family violence. Even more than that, there is a side of family violence that some may not know exists: parent abuse. The Child and Youth Health website states that "Violence towards parents or other family members by young people is more common than many people think". Unfortunately, this is a struggle frequently found in the homes of families with Autistic Bipolar children.
It is a struggle found in my home. When my DS was younger, the outbursts were easier to control. He was small enough that I could restrain him to ensure he didn't hurt himself or others. Restrain - I hate that word. I will never forget the first time I took him for an intake evaluation for play therapy and he had an outburst. I don't even remember what caused it, often the immediate trigger can be simple and innocent in and of itself. I found myself sitting in the middle of their reception area, my son directly in front of me, my legs crossed over his, my hands holding his wrists as I crossed his arms in front of himself into a hug. One of the counselors came out and told me I was doing a great job. I burst into tears.
Fast forward to the present. Last week I had to make a call that no parent wants to make. I had to protect myself and I had to take a stand. The aggression over the last few months had been growing. We moved in with a friend, I had walked away from a toxic relationship, and my DS does not do well with change. He had been in outpatient therapy less than a month before and was discharged. Still, it happened. With tears streaming down my face, I had to have a friend call the police on my 9 year old. I didn't know if they would take him away, I didn't know if if meant that he would be put into an inpatient program, I didn't know what was going to happen. I just knew that something had to be done. He wasn't de-escalating. Instead, he had grabbed me by my hair and punched me in the head multiple times. I had blood on my arm from him gouging me with his nails. While on the phone with the 9-1-1 operator, she asked if I could get somewhere safe all while my son was jumping on my back from behind as his arms clenched around my throat. He fell, and instead of stepping outside to meet the officers, I did what any mom would do, I knelt down to make sure he was okay.
The police came and my DS calmed down just at the sight of them. He talked with them and they talked to him about how violence is not an acceptable response. When he told them he was upset that I didn't let him have a new toy, they reinforced that the decision on that was mine to make. They talked to me about where the closest inpatient program could be found and asked multiple times if I was okay. The experience was horrible and beautiful all at the same time. I never wanted to have to call the police on my son, but it was beautiful in the support and encouragement that they gave us both in the process.
I know that not all police responses to family violence end the way ours did. I know that some might blame the parents - as I am sure some of you might be doing even now. I get it. It's these misconceptions that I believe contribute to parents suffering in silence. When a child has mental health issues, they can be physically aggressive and violent even when the parents are the sweetest and most supportive parents. That, and we often want to protect our children from stigmas. The stigma that because they have mental health issues they are somehow innately bad. I have members of my own family who struggle with this concept, but you cannot discipline mental illness out of a child. Parents don't want you to see the mental health issue, we want you to see the big-hearted child that we know and love.
Part of loving our children means loving ourselves. If you have a child that has aggressive tendencies, make sure you have a plan. Know where that line is and make sure your local police station knows that you have a special needs child BEFORE a time comes that you need their support. For those who have friends and family with any type of special needs child, ask how you can help. We may say "I don't know" and it can be a completely honest response - we tend to be overwhelmed with no clue what we really need help with. More than anything, we need you to know that we treasure your friendship. If we have to cancel plans, it truly isn't personal. I will delve deeper into the "how to help" conversation later, but for now, know that the biggest impact is when you show up for us even when we can't show up for you.
*Due to the nature of this post, I ask that everyone remain respectful and kind when leaving comments. I will monitor, but I would prefer to NOT have to remove or block comments. Be encouraging!
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